Well I am here to tell you that this is just the case. I’ve come to a place where I love who am and accept myself. But none of that fucking means that I can’t dislike my body. I love a lot of things but don’t like them. Weird but I can guarantee if you think hard enough you will find something, someone that you love but really just don’t like.
That being said I hate my body. It is a good enough body. It delivered a baby. Gets me through the day and wakes up every morning. But I still hate it. Why? Because it’s weak as fuck. My thighs touch so much that I can’t even cross my legs. I can’t walk the damn stairs in my house without having to pause. To me all of these things make me so angry.
Now I am a gorgeous fucking goddess and I know this but that doesn’t mean I have to like everything. I just think that’s such unrealistic bullshit. To accept yourself doesn’t mean you never want to change something. And that’s okay. It’s okay to want to be that girl in the picture again. It’s okay to look back at yourself and love that body better than the current one.
I won’t get into the nitty gritty of acceptance of one’s self comes from deep emotional and mental healing. We can talk about that in another post. But today what I want to talk about is the fact that I love myself but don’t like this body I’m in. And that’s fucking okay.
Some may think this is a huge contradiction and that I am not a good fit to promote anything related to body positive, but much like our good friend self care.. It’s not just bubble baths and chocolate. It’s know what you like and what you feel comfortable with. I could live with this body they rest of my life and I would be okay, but not great. And I want to be great. I want to be strong. I want to run up my stairs in one breath (okay maybe 5, because it’s two damn flights of stairs to my bedroom) .
One of the biggest things that bothers me about everything we promote in an effort to accept ourselves and take care of ourselves we make a new expectation that we need to achieve. That we can’t ever possibly have some discontent about our lives and the situation. I hate that when I express discontent with my body I am reminder that I am beautiful. Motherfucker I never said I wasn’t. This is my problem that the minute someone says something perceived to be bad about themselves they couldn’t possibly see their true worth, their beauty and everything that makes them amazing.
Listen I know I’m amazing and funny and smart and gorgeous and all that shit. But this amazing, funny, smart gorgeous bitch wants to feel like the girl she was 7 years ago and that requires a different body. A body that was stronger, faster and healthier. Mind you if you are interested in the perspective of the scale I was 220 and currently 270. So not a huge difference, just a different set up.
So what else I will say is that yes I’m working on getting to my goal to be strong again. We can talk about that in yet another post but today I really need to say that it’s okay to not always like every part of you. It’s normal. We can’t even like our SO all the time.