I lost my light. My voice and my light. I lost the will to share. I wanted to. I really did. I couldn’t though. I mean I literally could not get out of bed long enough to get this laptop and type these words. That is what it is truly like to be depressed. For months on end.
I sometimes I hide it well. But right now, I am not. But I was inspired to write. To write these words as a love letter to anyone else feeling like utter shit.
It will get better. It always does. But it is okay that you are tired. It is okay that you don’t want to get out of bed.
I sleep on the weekends. And then S-Th I barely rest. Why? Because I know I have to go somewhere. I know I have to work and exist with other people. And that is exhausting. It is truly hard to understand this unless you live it but let me attempt to break this down.
You already have to get up when you just can’t. You have to smile and act as if you are fine although you are fighting an internal war with yourself. Do you know how exhausting it is to have an internal dialogue all day to just get through the next five mins? To tell yourself that it is okay and you can do this. You can brush your hair, your teeth, wash your face and get to work on time?
So, while all of this is happening in your head you also now have to remember that other people expect certain things. They expect you to be social and when you aren’t then they ask questions. So, to avoid the following questions:
Are you okay?
Is something wrong?
Do you need to talk?
To avoid this shit, you put up a front. And anyone who has ever put up any kind of front for any reason knows that keeping that façade for extended periods gets old. And exhausting. To pretend for hours on end. To pretend that everything is okay enough to not warrant questions on how you are feeling when all you want is to do nothing and talk to no one.
Honestly writing all of this down is exhausting. I just want to put the laptop away and go to bed. (I mean I will probably go to bed soon anyway, but still) I have so little interest in the things that I love. And I truly love writing.
So, I said all of this to just say that I am tired y’all and because I am tired writing is hard. I know you haven’t heard from me and that sucks. (At least I assume it does since you all read me)
But I am tired and depressed. I don’t need or want pity. I just want you to know.
Love you all!