I would like to introduce my very first guest blogger. I am very excited to share this with you . I am also very excited to be working with such a badass lady.
Here is a little about her blog and where you can reach her. I hope you enjoy!
Flight & Scarlet is a blog of feminism, gender, and sexuality, with a touch of life’s humour and cuteness — kitty photos included! The author currently writes anonymously, but shares very personal stories on her blog in an effort to help others going through what she’s gone through, including sexual assault, confusion about her sexual orientation, and losing her family to an all-consuming church. In her spare time, she likes watching Netflix, reading, going for walks, and playing with her new kitten. She loves meeting new people and helping others, so if you would like to connect with her, leave a comment or find her on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest!
When I was eleven years old, I started noticing that girls and women in my life were just so beautiful. I would see images of women in magazines and in movies and just couldn’t get past how beautiful they were. I started realizing that sometimes those images made me want to know them in a way beyond a childhood friendship. I wanted to know everything about them. I could kiss them, quite literally.
I tried to reach out.
I found a website for online support, where young people could ask anonymous questions or ask for advice, and they would get a personal response. I don’t remember at the time if it was a legitimate source of support or if it was some magazine’s thing. I just remember that wanted to know if what I was experiencing was normal, and if there was something wrong with me. The person who responded told me that it was perfectly normal — lots of people go through a phase where they are attracted to the same sex.
Relieved, I moved on. Throughout high school, I had crushes on other girls and deemed them “girl crushes,” as many of my friends would say. I “dated” a couple of boys, experienced the typical drama of whatever “dating” really means in high school. I finally met someone I could really open up to when I was in grade eleven, and he told me he loved me in grade twelve.
He’s the one who took my virginity.
Quite literally. I didn’t want it taken away just yet, but he wanted to take it away.
So he did.
I loved him so much that I thought that it was okay. It’s what people do — let the other person do things you don’t like out of love, and eventually it gets better. It did, until about a year ago when I began to realize what had really happened.
But at the time, I didn’t know. I still trusted him with all of my heart and all of my love, and I even tried to tell him about my confusion with being interested in girls growing up. During a long-distance phone call while I was away at university in my first year, I told him I’d met a girl who I kind of really liked.
He accused me of wanting to “experiment” now.
During another conversation, he told me that his friends think bisexual people are just really horny, and generally just would have sex with anyone. I got angry and said that was completely unfair and didn’t make any sense. He didn’t have to say that he thought I was being stupid.
I mean, he never said it. But for most of the year and a half we were together, I always felt stupid. He did a good job of making sure of that.
But I’m not telling you this story for your pity.
Or for you to tell me he was an asshole. (Trust me, I know that now.)
I’m telling you this because no matter what happens to us in our lives, no matter what people do to us, we are responsible for loving ourselves.
We are responsible for our happiness.
I’m not saying that what he did wasn’t wrong, that other people can do whatever they want to you and that it won’t hurt. It will. But it’s up to us to hold high standards for the people we allow into our lives, and to uphold those standards. It’s up to us to notice when we are being treated in ways we don’t deserve. And it’s up to us to remember who we are, and that we are worthy of real love — whether it’s from someone else or from yourself.
The number one thing I learned from all of this is that I must love myself to truly be happy.
Because otherwise, you will lose yourself, just like I did. You will rely on others to make you happy, and that is no way to live.
After that break-up, I spent about a year not wanting to be with anyone. I found my back to my old hobbies, I got involved in university life, and I did things that made me happy. I was lonely, at times, but I promised myself I would never lose myself and never be vulnerable the way I was with him.
And I was wrong. I am vulnerable. I live with the love of my life now, and he accepts me for everything that I am, and he supports me in every way possible. The funny thing is, we met doing a musical — doing something that we both loved, we just happened to cross paths. I never saw it coming.
I guess I just had to find my way back to myself again.
I just had to remember that I am worthy.