I feel like I owe you an explanation. Let me start by saying that I have not given up on this blog. But I have in a way. I started this for me and continued for YOU. All of the special people that have been there from the start, the ones that I have gained in the process, and the ones that will come in the future. You all listen, remain open to my message and who I am, you don’t judge and most importantly you are special to me. This blog was meant to help others, promote self love, and take you on my journey.
Well I haven’t been taking you on my journey and for that I am sorry. You all have missed some major ups and downs and that is a little selfish of me to keep them from you because again that is what this blog for. What I have done here is the same thing that I do to the people in my life that I call friend and that is push you away. In my process of shutting down I let everything go. I just crawled into that space and closed the doors on every one.
I would love to come back with a happy post, but this is my truth. My struggle, my pain. It is not always going to be a happy story. There isn’t always a happy ending. I will not be apologizing anymore for the post where it is doom and gloom and I am down and defeated. This is part of the journey. This is part of the healing. This is to help someone else going through similar realize that it is ok not to feel ok.
When I am better I will talk about that. But I can’t do any good if you think that I am always happy or always sad. I am tired of the negative association with my mental illness and mental illness in general. Right now I am not ok, and that is ok.
I have been wearing my TWLOHA bracelet that says “To Write Love on Her Arms” “Hope is Real. Help is Real. Your Story is Important. “Although I am having trouble with keeping hope and believing it is still important to me. My problem is obviously people are very naturally curious. And they are asking about my bracelet. I explain to them about TWLOHA and their purpose. “I need to sign up for that” “I didn’t know you had those kinds of problems (in a condescending tone)“
“You aren’t mentally ill you are just a bitch.” So without even being completely open about the things I suffer with I immediately get negative comments that are completely unnecessary. It is hurtful and until you have to live with it; live with the feeling of despair, sadness, anger, pain, everything is a chore from getting dressed to eating and all of this you have no control over.
This time of year has always been especially hard, and with my current feelings of abandonment, feeling that I have been replaced in a friend’s life. I had applied for a job, was selected to interview and didn’t even get considered. This was equally destructive to my current state of mind. That was probably what threw me off the edge. I love Christmas time. It is my favorite holiday. I love the feeling of closeness and family.
And here I just don’t have that. I feel so alone. I don’t know how long this feeling of sadness will last, but there are things besides my state of mind that I have wanted to share but like I said, I didn’t want to talk. I can’t promise that this will not happen again, but know that all of you are important to me and I am thankful to have you here to hear my story. *kisses*